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Saturday, November 28, 2015

                                                     WOMAN                                                     
                                                                    


                                I have wrote many posts in the past few years, most are on my Blog if some of you want to venture over to the address let me know and I'll PM you the link. At times, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but at times, hell most of the time I speak openly and honestly, through my words you see my heart and soul. It comes so easy for me, it's down right scary.
                               I have been told by many of you who may read this that I have to forget and forgive what I have done. I think for the most part I have. Some of you I believe, and this is no fault of your own think that when a man, ya me I guess lol, talks of matters of the heart and soul he has some dark deep secret that needs exorcising, some internal pain that he must let go. Let me state right here and now that this old hard headed fool is truly OK. Sure I have regrets but hell who doesn't? 
                               There is a part of me that longs for a battle, but not within, a battle against the forces that trap those within themselves. See, I believe you can be a warrior without weapon and ammo. Your mind can be and is the most powerful weapon you have. Trust it, believe in it and all should work it's way out. Not always, but most I believe, I have to believe in that. I want to be a warrior for those that need help within. I think I may have found that avenue in a keyboard. So many of you wage battles within that you can so easily win, you have the weapons and ammo.
                                I learned a few years ago my battles were mostly won and lost within my hard head. There is a cycle in us that we either continue or break it down. Yes there are forces fighting you for control of the cycle, wanting to see you fail. I'm not into religion as much anymore and I hope that doesn't offend some of you, but I now know the answer lies within me and you. OK now that I have bored you enough with all that I want to say a special thank you to all the ladies, women, mothers, wife's, grandma's, sisters, aunts, daughters, and nieces. I think I have them all covered. The ones for the most part who cared for us when sick, and clothed us for school. 
                                They made and packed lunches, and tied stubborn shoe laces. The unsung hero's who make a house a home. I lost my mom in 1983 and think of her daily. She was feisty and could be hard headed. She was cop, jury, and judge. She taught me things about life and honor that I still use today. I have known many good, if not great women in my life. Women who against great odds showed love and knowledge. I was very lucky to know my mother for the first 25 years of my life. Some of you weren't as lucky as I was and lost yours at a very early age. Some are blessed with her still in the kitchen making what seems like the greatest meal you will ever eat. 
                                 As mothers leave, we are hopefully fortunate enough to meet another woman who doesn't replace dear old Mom, but who we should love and cherish as thought it was her. I know there are many who are laughing or saying "You never met my wife." Yes true but life and love is a 2 way street, and I don't know all your situations. I speak of mine. 
                                 Then there are those who hit the jackpot and maybe, just maybe meet another woman who without a magic wand takes your problems and troubles away ever so slightly. 
                                  In Norse and the Viking life style, women were honored and treated as equals. They even fought beside their men in battle and were called Shield Maidens. I hope to find my Shield Maiden one day, the future looks pretty good, and she may be just around the corner.

Friday, November 27, 2015

                   When I got out of prison on August 26th, 2011 I though of this song as the Greyhound left Huntsville and headed down I45 towards Houston. I was scared, I was nervous, I was free, I was just an ordinary man. And this Diesel belching machine was taking me home. But did I have a home, and what exactly is a home? Is it 4 walls? 
                   No I don't think so, Is it comfort and safety at night, yes it could be. But for me home is in here, my mind, my soul, my heart. I worried about what my 3 kids would see and feel 10 years after. No visits, but that was my choice really and they were young. Was I selfish? Maybe, we just thought it better for all concerned. I decision I do not regret. I looked off in the distance to trees and hills, to row after row of houses, or could they be homes? The bus was loud but with something I had not heard since August 28, 2001, true laughter and excitement, and for them I was smiling inside, my soul had come back from a place I never want to return to again.
                   Off in the distance the buildings of H-Town and I acting like a child on Christmas morning. My breath shortened and my heart beat with the rigor of my teenage years. The emotions flooded in me and I felt a lump in my throat, a tear welled up in my eyes. I look back on that day over 4 years ago and think, have I made it home yet? 
                   A lot has been going on lately with me and I will not bore you with details except to say I have not had a alcoholic drink in over a month and I never feel more intoxicated in my life. I have found love in many ways, through my writings, ever so humble and needing help they be, but I do talk and speak through my heart, mind and soul. Love with others too. I have been asked and told by many loved ones to let go of the past, what you did, we love you. I try, but can't. In saying that I now know why...maybe, I need to tell people openly.
                   I have made more mistakes than most men will ever know. Sure some have made worse, much worse, but that doesn't help me. See it's only me who awakes still, and wonders and worries. I owe a lot, but to only a few, and they know who they are. 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

"The Valkyrie"
They come from above
Like a bolt of lighting
Their arrival, most welcomed
I knew the reason, yet smiled

We fought the good fight
A just fight for our people
Songs would be sung
And tales would be told

My pain was almost nonexistent
My heart never fuller 
For they had arrived for me
The Valkyrie, my Valkyrie