“Bricks in My Wall”
At times I have thought so much about all the cells, holding tanks and dayrooms I have wasted so many hours that I will never get back. Was it really a waste? Was it all in my mind? Was it a game we played with each other and the system to make the hours and days pass? I truly believe in those 10 years in prison (TDC or TDCJ) my mind was stronger or at least stronger than it has been at any time in my life. Sadly it had to be or I may not have survived.
See. We in prison are kinda oblivious to you all in the “Freeworld” at times, yes we know you all and love you, but at times we try to put you on the back burner in order to think clearly and act smart in certain situations. We hide fear, we hide love, and we hide feelings, because that could be taken as weakness. Wow that sounds crazy doesn’t it. Fellow inmates tend to prey on some who show “weakness”.
So we mask our feelings and read our letters in private and see through the words and imagine a time long forgotten. We think of days gone by and hope for more days in the future. We smile and maybe laugh to ourselves and for the most part most of the guys sense this and leave you be to those precious sheets of paper. After all most, yes most of us are still human.
We did share with each other the joys of our children exploits and grandchildren’s births. We told of memories long ago as if they happened yesterday. For the most part we loved to share those stories as it brought us closer to our own families. The names and places may change, but we all could relate. Recently I posted a picture of a one man cell and thought “man god that is small”, but going back 3 years after my release, that cell was as small as I made it.
Sounds simply doesn’t it, but we all inside did that. We tried to make the most out of a terrible situation. Nothing would change overnight so why “Go Crazy”. I ask each and every one of you reading my simple post tonight to be “Bricks in their Wall”. What I mean is most cells are 8 feet by 10 feet. Take a measuring tape right now and somewhere in your home measure that off.
Place items in each corner and get comfortable, but not too much. If possible place a bed if not already in your space. Place maybe a chair and small table. Close your eyes and you are with your son or husband, your father, brother or grandfather, mother or wife, daughter or sister. This applies to both sexes of course. Most of my posts of female oriented but apply for both.
You are beside them, you are bricks in their walls. Try for as long as possible to not leave that space, try to relax and not hyperventilate as I did many times. Trust me it will get better. They/we/us were and are stronger than you think, we are and will survive. It will be hard and as a roller coaster there will be many peaks and valleys. Write them as much as possible, talk to them on the phone as positive as possible, but tell them things they need to know.
The strength of your wall is within each and every brick, take one away and it crumbles, together they stay strong. Be their brick when needed as they are your brick too. We build walls between each other for many reasons, some good some not so good. We protect others by building walls. Be honest and open with your loved one, as always stay strong and stay your course whatever that may be. I will never judge you….You all Rock…