Pages

Sunday, March 15, 2015

“My Life Is a Song, or so it seems”

            I have been writing on and off since my release from prison in 2011. Mostly in my Blog, with the exception of some hap hazard attempts at my fiction stories. Of course I wrote 1000’s of pages and notes in prison, but really didn't dive in head first until my release. There comes a time I have the urge while other times I just don’t have the “Flow” as I call it.
            I was thinking of how music has played a big part in my life, no I am not a musician or composer, yet I use lyrics and sounds to propel me into my words and sentences. I think most of us can relate to anyone one song good or bad. We say “That song was wrote for me”. It is because most of us go through similar situations in life. We/You/Me are not alone in this so called battle called life.
            We seek comfort in another’s arms, or a place, or even a bottle. We hope for a different outcome, but rarely does that happen. At times the cycle of life just spins and comes back the same. Maybe we need to change the cycle, the wheel, and the events that lead to whatever the outcome usually is. For some that is very hard for they do not have the means to just get up and leave or change life styles. So we wake each morning hoping for change, a difference, a knight in shining amour.
            My rescue has always been music and now writing. I have this thing that I do where I do not listen to depressing music anymore. What I mean is a song that brings back bad or sad memories. No I am not hiding from my past I just wish to not visit it anymore because it will not do any good or change anything. I listen to songs that lift my spirit and not drown it with tears.
            I know for some of you that will be hard, some of you wish to remember days gone by with memories of your loved one. I’m no expert and by no means special or even know what the hell I’m talking about most of the time. I have always spoke from my heart and soul. I have never tried purposely to hurt anyone, but I do have a way of speaking my mind at time do just that.
            All of us cannot change our past even through music, we can dictate out present as best we can and ultimately that will change your future. Our lives are full of daily challenges that at times seem unfair or overwhelming, but we must stay the course. If not we dig a hole deeper than before with no way out. These words are so simple for me to say and write down, but believe me I have been as low as a person can get and I have climbed out of my abyss.
            I am ashamed to admit I had thought many times while on the run from the law to end my life with a simple pull of a trigger. I now know why some people do commit suicide. I was so close on a few occasions and for some reason could not. I miss my old life but know it will never come back. All the music in the world will not return me to 1999. I’m much stronger today then I was yesterday, and each day gets better.
            For you mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, sons and daughters of loved ones behind bars find something to remember them, but also something that makes you smile or hopefully laugh. Try not to drown in memories that hurt as best as possible. I hope in some small way my writings of prison, my Blog on my time in prison, and my fiction stories I’m working on makes you alive again.

            I hope they make you understand, make you see what your loved one sees through my eyes and pages I post. I am no one special, I’m just an ordinary guy who may process a somewhat “gift” to ramble on his keyboard and reach out and touch even one of you. As always you are Rock, you all are the true Hero’s in this story. Tonight listen to someone uplifting, listen to something that makes you smile. Stay your course and be true to your heart and soul. Thank you all for giving me a few more minutes of your lives today.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

“Bricks in My Wall”

            At times I have thought so much about all the cells, holding tanks and dayrooms I have wasted so many hours that I will never get back. Was it really a waste? Was it all in my mind? Was it a game we played with each other and the system to make the hours and days pass? I truly believe in those 10 years in prison (TDC or TDCJ) my mind was stronger or at least stronger than it has been at any time in my life. Sadly it had to be or I may not have survived.
            See. We in prison are kinda oblivious to you all in the “Freeworld” at times, yes we know you all and love you, but at times we try to put you on the back burner in order to think clearly and act smart in certain situations. We hide fear, we hide love, and we hide feelings, because that could be taken as weakness. Wow that sounds crazy doesn’t it. Fellow inmates tend to prey on some who show “weakness”.
            So we mask our feelings and read our letters in private and see through the words and imagine a time long forgotten. We think of days gone by and hope for more days in the future. We smile and maybe laugh to ourselves and for the most part most of the guys sense this and leave you be to those precious sheets of paper. After all most, yes most of us are still human.
            We did share with each other the joys of our children exploits and grandchildren’s births. We told of memories long ago as if they happened yesterday. For the most part we loved to share those stories as it brought us closer to our own families. The names and places may change, but we all could relate. Recently I posted a picture of a one man cell and thought “man god that is small”, but going back 3 years after my release, that cell was as small as I made it.
            Sounds simply doesn’t it, but we all inside did that. We tried to make the most out of a terrible situation. Nothing would change overnight so why “Go Crazy”. I ask each and every one of you reading my simple post tonight to be “Bricks in their Wall”. What I mean is most cells are 8 feet by 10 feet. Take a measuring tape right now and somewhere in your home measure that off.
            Place items in each corner and get comfortable, but not too much. If possible place a bed if not already in your space. Place maybe a chair and small table. Close your eyes and you are with your son or husband, your father, brother or grandfather, mother or wife, daughter or sister. This applies to both sexes of course. Most of my posts of female oriented but apply for both.
            You are beside them, you are bricks in their walls. Try for as long as possible to not leave that space, try to relax and not hyperventilate as I did many times. Trust me it will get better. They/we/us were and are stronger than you think, we are and will survive. It will be hard and as a roller coaster there will be many peaks and valleys. Write them as much as possible, talk to them on the phone as positive as possible, but tell them things they need to know.

            The strength of your wall is within each and every brick, take one away and it crumbles, together they stay strong. Be their brick when needed as they are your brick too. We build walls between each other for many reasons, some good some not so good. We protect others by building walls. Be honest and open with your loved one, as always stay strong and stay your course whatever that may be. I will never judge you….You all Rock…