I haven't been very visible on my own group of late. Thanks to the ladies who have helped me keep this group alive, my Ad-Mins, who are a bigger part of this than me. I have had a lot happen in the last few months, mostly all positive. At times it confuses me with "good" things happening as opposed of bad things. Yes bad things still raised there ugly heads and my past comes back to haunt me, but now I have a better out look and remain positive. In prison I had come to realize most things that happen to us are of our on doing, good or bad, the key is how you deal with it and what caused it.
My desire to write has left me, and I worry if it will ever come back. This isn't something as simple as turning it on or off, if it was I would have fixed it by now. At times I am taken back by what fueled me to write in the first place. Was it a way to get the word out about my time in prison so I could with my humble words help others? Or selfishly wanting to help myself? Was it a cry out to family and friends in an attempt to say sorry?
It has been over 3 years since my release from TDC in which I spent 10 years "inside". Those 10 years I know now have consumed me more than the 45 spent in the "Free World". At times I wish not to go back down those roads to relive my time inside. Could that in part be a reason for my non desire to write? Maybe, but I do write non-fiction and love that. I love making stuff up, living a fantasy world on paper, where I become the hero.
I feel I may be a dis-service to some of you who have looked forward to my writings of life and prison life. In no way is it anyone's fault but my own for stepping back. There are times I have a hard time reading all my notes and stories of prison life. I don't want those 10 years to over power my life as they have at times. To this day I still have dreams and a over powering feeling of going back. In saying that there are times I even miss it.
I am stronger now then I have ever been and happier too. Events in my life before prison have finally started to be put to bed so to speak. There are times I still miss my time before prison. The feeling that my children would remain their age and size upon release. That my job would be waiting and my favorite truck would be outside my home that was no longer my home.
I have met many wonderful people since getting out that have left so many positive feelings with me. I feel I have turned a corner in my life and feel pretty good about the road ahead. I want to thank all of you who have stuck by me and have read and commented on my posts. Hopefully with this small piece of writing I will put some demons to bed for good. I need not hugs or prays, save those for someone who really needs them. I am my own worse enemy, as well as my best friend......I think lol.