As the title implies this post isn't really about me or anyone in particular. It could apply to most anyone of us and should be taken as a food for thought I would think. It shall be my words, but not necessarily “My words”, have I confused you now, but I believe I have confused myself. See in the past year or so I have wrote mostly of my time in prison and of the challenges I faced during and after said time. I have also gave you a glimpse into the few books I have been working on, those would be fiction.
The prison story is a very important one to me and those close to me. It is a way of releasing myself from memories of those 10 years. It is also a way that I may help some of you better understand the workings of the Texas prison system as seen through my eyes, an inmate. My wish is that my simple little words help some of you see things through your loved ones eyes and mind, through my words. I enjoy writing my stories down and in a selfish way it helps me get over whatever I am going through.
I have been out of prison almost exactly 3 years now and feel a lot better and for the most part believe those 10 years are behind me now. It was a struggle at first and I fought those demons constantly 24 hours a day. I look back now and can almost smile at what I went through and survived. I still think of those years, and always will, but I view them now in a different light. It has made me stronger and wiser. It was an education that no school could ever give.
I saw the good and bad in men that I hope none of you have to see. I saw fights over a stamp, and stabbings over the color of a man’s skin. I saw killers laugh and smile, and thieves share a soup. I saw men help their fellow man write or read a letter because one could not write or read. I witnessed the ugliness of violence that Hollywood could not match. Sadly or gladly I am a better person today because of it.
I have joined many prison groups and read the frustration in many of your voices and felt like I was there with you in your battle, but at times I have said things or commented in ways some of you may have thought rude or harsh. I’ll try to explain without making matters worse. Please do not read anything into what I say, that is not there. I am not singling out anyone.
There are times some of the posts I read are very frustrating because I think some of you don’t get the whole story. Prison is a bad place for both inmate and guard, and there are good and bad with both. I lived there for 3650 days and nights and know of what I speak. In those days and nights I saw how ugly my fellow inmates could be, and how ugly the guards could be also. It was truly a 2 way street. For the most part most inmates wanted to do their time, mind their business, and go home.
Most guards wanted to do there 12 hours and go home. There was of course those inmates that just had to have drama in their lives as well as everyone else’s life’s too. It seemed they could not be happy to just do their time without starting something daily. Likewise there were guards who thought it was their job to make the inmates life inside the most miserable they could. Almost like the guard was turned on by causing conflict. When these 2 things happened it usually meant the regular inmates paid that most.
I have read some stories in prison groups and thought “That just doesn’t add up, or make sense”. I know I don’t have all the story or all the details, but in saying that and this may offend some of you, you may not know the whole story either. Take most of what you hear with a big grain of salt. At times we hear what someone wants us to hear, nothing more, and nothing less. There are times I have thought of leaving all the prison groups I am in because I felt I may be doing more harm than good.
I have come close to saying things I would regret later. There are times I want to scream “Wake up!!” , But I feel it is not my place. I have no right to judge any of you. I have not walked in your shoes as you have not walked in mine. All I ask is try to open your mind to all the circumstances that are given or presented to you to form an opinion. It may not be as bad as you think or as bad as someone is telling you. Or it may be worse.
I get angry at times reading what appears to be misinformed people, people who build an opinion on a few “he said, she said”. Some of you may be saying right now, “Who cares what you think” and you’re right. Who am I anyways but an ex-convict? I was involved in a pretty bad auto accident a little over 6 weeks ago in which I broke 9 bones all in my chest area. Since that night I have not wrote as much as I have in the past and I first thought the reason was the accident. For the most part I think it is, but I feel another reason and that reason is the frustration I feel and see on so many of you.
There are many of you I truly feel for and wish I had a magic solution to your problem. There are some of you who do see the light at the end of the tunnel while other’s will not. In saying that, that is one reason I feel stepping back for a while a good thing. I may become too harsh with my reality, with my comments, with my opinion. No one here needs me making their matters worse, and that is not fair to you, or right of me.
I am basing my opinion solely on what I saw with my own eyes in those 10 years. Some can believe or not, that is up to you. I am getting very close to completion of my book on prison life. Some will like it and some won’t. It will deal with subjects I have yet to touch on in my Blog or Facebook. There is a darker side that most of you have not seen or heard or wanted to believe. I have always said to you all after my posts to stay strong and stay your course and those words do ring true again, but now I feel I have a mixed feeling at times and not sure why.