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Friday, July 11, 2014

The Heaviest of Hearts

                A few days ago I embarked on a journey into my past to save my future. No this is not some riddle from a mad man, but a crying out of sorts to be saved. Not a pity party or “I need hugs or prayers”, but just a journey that only I can take and I can save. It was a journey that was a long time coming and I have only myself to blame. It is embarrassing to think why it took so long to make.
                A part of my selfish self, dreaded it because it was my past and I was not ready to comfort it. In saying this I started to realize how my daughter and her family must have felt that “Daddy” and “Grandpa” hadn't been around in a while. See this was and should never have been about me, and for that I am truly sorry to those I was supposed to love. I cannot take back my past, but I can learn from it to save my future.
                I spent 2 great days with my Bam-Bam, her husband, and my Rugrats. I was asked all kinds of questions and tried to be as silly as a grandpa is supposed to be. It wasn't very hard to do lol. I may be 55 years old, but I was transformed into a child for those 2 days. I hugged, I held, I laughed, and the smiles and laughs that I got back in return were priceless. Although my daughter is 27 to me she was as young as her kids.
                I tickled her and pinched her nose. I held and hugged her as if she was fragile. Her smile was the most beautiful think I have seen in so many years. We shopped and talked, we messaged each other on Facebook although we were a few feet away. She makes me so proud. As the hours passed I started to dread my trip back to my world, but thought of the next time.
                If emotions were a roller coaster I would have the longest, scariest one on earth. People would flock for miles around to hitch a ride on my emotional trip. I can never take back the 10 years I spent in prison and more importantly the 10 years I stole from her and her family, my sons, and my family. It is a daily struggle to overcome the guilt, but it is one I am winning. It is a long battle and I fear it is one that will last a very long time, if not forever.
                We all face trials and tribulations in our life, some make the right choice, while others do not. Some deal with certain circumstances better than others. Some have the support of family and friends while others, sadly do not. For me those 2 days I spent with my family started to erase those 10 years I spent in prison. As I write this I think of those little faces and smiles. Of the looks I got as if to say “Grandpa is silly”. I think of the look on my daughters face and it melted my heart. I saw a 10 year old girl trapped in a 27 year old body.

                 This writing is dedicated to her and her family, and to my sons. I may not have seen them this go around, but the words will be the same. To the rest of you out there I hope my words have comfort for you in your life. I may be talking of my daughter and grandchildren, but it speaks to you and yours. Don’t let time slip by, have no regrets that will eat at you. Regrets that keep you up and night, regrets that eat at you day and night. Baby I love you so much, and daddy is going to be ok.

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