Monday, May 12, 2014
I was thinking last night what these last 3 years of freedom has really meant and done for and to me. I had so much hope about my release, so much to look forward too. Some have come true beyond my expectations while others have still yet to be found. I am not complaining in the least, my situation is so much better then the brothers I left behind. Talking about those I left behind, why is it I feel guilty at times that I was granted freedom while so many others were not. Yes I had a 10 year sentence and did all 10 so there isn't much I could have done about that part. But still that guilt remains to this day. I talked with you all before about my ghosts and inner demons and how I still do battle with them on a daily basis. Some of my hopes I now know were unrealistic and I should never of raised the bar that high. It took me a little less than 2 years to get a real job. Every time I would fill out an application and see the "ever been convicted of a felony" my stomach felt sick. Finally someone took a chance and I have been there for almost 18 months now. Along the way I have had support from family members and that is what I starved for, but surprising it was all of you who read this post now, the ones I had never known or been around and it's that support that "hits" me hard. Why do perfect strangers comment with such words about my posts that it is overwhelming at times? I want to stress to family members that that is not meant in a bad way to your posts and support. It's just when someone I have never known nor met comments that "it made me cry" or "it brought tears to my eyes, thank you Philip" That says maybe, just maybe I am doing some good for those who have people on the inside or are just going through a hard time in their own life. I'm no shrink or doctor, but I do have a way to express myself through my own experiences and pain. I am no ones hero nor someone to be admired. I'm just a regular guy who made a very bad mistake costing many people 10 years of love and memories. In the last few weeks I have joined many groups that deal with prisons and those inside. I have posted many thoughts and dreams that many of you have commented on. I honestly want to hear your thoughts good and bad, for I think we learn more from bad comments than good. I have talked with many of you in Private Messaging and have got to see your pain through your words, and how rewarding it is when you say thanks. Most of you are going through more pain than I have ever went through, pain I hope I never know. I see so many positive comments about love ones and wonder where do you find that strength. It encourages me to fight on in my battles, to conquer my ghosts and demons. If I didn't it would be a dis-service to you all and the men I said goodbye to. I see in many of you a strength I admire so much, how you face life on a daily basis and fight the good fight while bottling up your pain and frustration. To smile on the outside while your heart is torn. Most of you fight a battle which many have no idea truly exists, you go to work, you pay bills, you cook supper, and sleep in an empty beds hugging onto an invisible person. There are nights I do the same, but that was my choice, for most of you, you were given no choice, but must live with that now. Some of you see the light at the end of the tunnel and some don't. Some may ask daily "what should I do." Only you and you alone can answer that and upon the answer live with it. Stay very strong and stay your course, never waver from what is truly in your heart, what ever your answer is. Don't let anyway sway you to the left or right, especially me. Look in the mirror today and what do you see? I see a true hero who has faced a very tragedy situation and is winning. In prison I used to say "I'm taking this day by day" then I though "hell I'll just have a good hour then worry about the next." No worries about what's for chow, or will I get that damn lay-in tonight, or when the hell do we go to store. There are so many things in our life we do not control, we control how it effects us. Thank you for listening to me and my ghosts..
Posted by Philip Smith at 11:01 AM