Thursday, May 8, 2014

"Ghost's appear and fade away, come back some other day" That is a line from the 1983 hit by Men at Work, the song is called Overkill. Those words mean so much to me and it was if Colin Hay wrote them specifically for me. As most of you know from my past posts I was locked up in 2001 until 2011, doing as we called it a dime on a dime. In that time my ghosts never really appeared, but upon release they attacked with vengeance. The assault came on the way back to Houston from Huntsville.
It started innocently enough when my breathing become erratic, commonly known as an anxiety attack I would say. I stared out the window and watched the lifeless faces pass by not really seeing them. There was a scattering of voices within the bus but to be honest I could not hear what they were saying. My mind raced with the anticipation of seeing my 3 small children who were not small anymore.
In the distance the skylight of H-Town, Houston, Space City, and my stomach churned. I said to myself "oh boy" I was scared to meet the 3 people that meant so much to me. the bus wound it's way, what seemed like for hours and we disembarked to start a journey into the unknown. There were PO's and various groups welcoming us home. I was in Zombie mode so really didn't pay that much attention. My 3 children were nowhere in sight within the bus terminal.
I walked outside to the heat of August and looked left and then right, still no sign. In a strange way I was relieved. Then out of the corner of my eye 3 "Big" people walked over to me. I knew it was them, but it took a minute to soak in how big they were in person. My ghosts had appeared, but would they fade away? To this day almost 3 years after release my ghosts still appear, sometimes they fade, sometimes they do battle with me.
It's an ongoing battle that I fear will never go away, for some it may I would think, for others like myself it is a constant reminder of what can go wrong in the blink of an eye. In prison I had seen so many terrible, horrible things, but some very beautiful and surprising. I witnessed men who may never see a loved one again yet talk with so much love for those persons. I saw hope in the eyes of men without hope, and others who could draw feelings on paper that amazed me.
I witnessed men make a tattoo gun out of everyday items in prison and showed a skilled hand putting ink on skin that showed a loved one's face, that showed memories, that showed hope, that showed ghosts. I saw men transform an ordinary prison radio, into one that received not only the normal am and pm stations, but HBO, Showtime, and even Pay per View channels through the speaker. So many gifted, and yet so many lost. We would read countless books, we would play Dungeons and Dragons, we would escape into a fantasy world where our ghosts faded, until another day.
But we all had, or most of us had one common thing, and that was you all on the outside, our sail in our run away ship. We need you all so much to write and just say hi, there were guys inside that would say "Why does she still stay with me" I have no answer for that...Is it love? maybe, maybe not but whatever it is it is strong and can move mountains, if bottled up and given to soldiers on a battle field no war would be lost.
There are those of you who may not wait, and I'll never find fault in that, we all have our reasons for keeping or letting our ghosts fade away. For me mine come back and at times I even talk to them. At times I even need and miss them for they made me remember of how bad things can be if you let them. I've bored you enough so in closing Stay Strong, Stay the course which ever one you choose, and watch for ghosts who appear and fade away, and may come back another day.

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