Monday, January 30, 2012

For those of you wondering why I haven't added any additional posts on my blog the reason is my mind returned to prison while my body stayed home. That is something you may not understand and I hate to use the "until the walk in my shoes" thing. To me that's an excuse or cop out. My life is or was no worse than most of you out there reading this post. My life was a direct result of my actions and no others. With that being said and out in the open I'll try to explain what my opening statement meant or was all about. Ever since I was released I became a yoyo. I see myself drift back behind bars, meaning mentally, and emotionally. Strange thing is after 10 years I have no idea how to deal with everyday problems out here in the "free world." We inmates refer to the outside as the free world. My mind races and I feel trapped and want to resort to what I would have done in prison. Finding the easy way out through violence. No don't worry I'm not going to go postal I have more restrain than that. In fact there in lies my battle. Prison was easy someone "messed" with you, disrespected you and it was on. You caught a square or got your paper. Prison terms for fighting or calling someone out. So simple in a barbaric world. Now things are different we are more civilized out here...right? I realize my inner battle will be a continuing one that may never end, but hopefully will get better. As Steven Tyler of Aerosmith said "I'm back in the saddle again" (for now). My journey through hell, through my abyss began over 10 years ago and as of today it is still dominating my life and to make matters worse it's dominating the life's of those I love. Again I ask you my reader to comment good or bad on anything you read on Random Thoughts. One day I hope to publish my journey for all to read. My goal is that my story may help someone understand what they are going through or stop it before it happens. I'm no expert just someone who has seen and gone through allot.  What I went through in prison and how I dealt with it and still am can be applied to everyday life. You don't have to be locked up to feel trapped, to feel imprisoned. Some of us self imprison ourselves without knowing it. We put walls and shields up to protect others, but mostly ourselves. No one wishes to harm another or harm themselves. Please follow my Random Thoughts and we will both learn. I'll leave you with a favor quote

 Whoever battles with monsters had better see that it does not turn him into a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche


  1. Never having been behind bars, I cannot grasp the full nature of your struggle. That said, and as you have said, we all - each of us - struggle with demons.

    For me, the demons drive me into despair and a deep funk. I retreat to my bed, mope around listlessly, can't eat, have no energy, can barely carry on a conversation, and live in despair that I have been and will always be a failure.

    YET, somewhere deep inside I know that this will pass! That is what keeps me from going off the deep end and ending up in a mental treatment facility.

    Lots of Twelve Step meetings, lots of therapy, and some drugs have gotten me stable. It's been 15 years since my last bout, and I enjoy EVERY day. Relish each one. Treasure each one. Am thankful for every single one.

    I wish you strength and persistence and courage in the darkest moments.

    Keep coming back to us. We need your reality to keep us going with clarity and the good sense to make the most of our lives.

    AND I'm advising other people. Sometimes I feel like such a fake. But, some number of those I advised tell me they were really helped. So, I keep doing what I do, whenever the opportunity arises.

  2. Such honesty not only about yourself but with what I said. You have given me strength to continue my battle and hopefully help with yours and others like us. You are not a failure but a very brave man. Take pride in that from someone who has been through it all and is still learning from you all. Thank you and please feel free to visit often and share my Blog site with your friends. Nice talking to you AER.

  3. That was amazing to read and so heartfelt and honest. I think we all feel imprissoned sometimes, often we are doing it to ourselves. We are afraid to venture out and fail...not knowing that we will probably succeed if we get out of our own way.

    I admire your courage and strength in surviving and in trying to survive now. You will make it, just believe in yourself.

  4. Hey Phil
    I will always be you!
    Teeney xo

  5. Dude. Keep writing. Let it escape. What ever it is. We are all at battle with ourselves. Stay strong and you're not alone.

  6. I'm Trying but feel I'm losing the battle right now. But I won't give up

  7. As you have said no one can truly understand how or what an inmate survives behind the steal bars unless you walk that line or walk in there shoes no one will ever completely understand life behind bar and the mental and physical torture it is and when you get the chance to step out behind those bars in to the free world your still not free in your mind it still lock behind bars being told everything you can do and can do or fighting for your life you did survive and you can and will survive in the free world one day at a time with gods help and your faith you can and will survive.

  8. Thanks for the comment and yes I will survive as we all will and must