Monday, January 30, 2012

For those of you wondering why I haven't added any additional posts on my blog the reason is my mind returned to prison while my body stayed home. That is something you may not understand and I hate to use the "until the walk in my shoes" thing. To me that's an excuse or cop out. My life is or was no worse than most of you out there reading this post. My life was a direct result of my actions and no others. With that being said and out in the open I'll try to explain what my opening statement meant or was all about. Ever since I was released I became a yoyo. I see myself drift back behind bars, meaning mentally, and emotionally. Strange thing is after 10 years I have no idea how to deal with everyday problems out here in the "free world." We inmates refer to the outside as the free world. My mind races and I feel trapped and want to resort to what I would have done in prison. Finding the easy way out through violence. No don't worry I'm not going to go postal I have more restrain than that. In fact there in lies my battle. Prison was easy someone "messed" with you, disrespected you and it was on. You caught a square or got your paper. Prison terms for fighting or calling someone out. So simple in a barbaric world. Now things are different we are more civilized out here...right? I realize my inner battle will be a continuing one that may never end, but hopefully will get better. As Steven Tyler of Aerosmith said "I'm back in the saddle again" (for now). My journey through hell, through my abyss began over 10 years ago and as of today it is still dominating my life and to make matters worse it's dominating the life's of those I love. Again I ask you my reader to comment good or bad on anything you read on Random Thoughts. One day I hope to publish my journey for all to read. My goal is that my story may help someone understand what they are going through or stop it before it happens. I'm no expert just someone who has seen and gone through allot.  What I went through in prison and how I dealt with it and still am can be applied to everyday life. You don't have to be locked up to feel trapped, to feel imprisoned. Some of us self imprison ourselves without knowing it. We put walls and shields up to protect others, but mostly ourselves. No one wishes to harm another or harm themselves. Please follow my Random Thoughts and we will both learn. I'll leave you with a favor quote

 Whoever battles with monsters had better see that it does not turn him into a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Been away for a few days, taking care of the so-called Business. This is harder than I thought it would be, this whole back to society thing. Some accept me and some don't. It's strange how strangers feel more like family than some family do. I need the love and support from family and for the most part I get that now and I thank them so much. To my "strangers" I need your support to because you have nothing to gain or lose by accepting me. Today I was flooded with emotion about missing my "simple" life behind bars. Why don't I remember how life on the outside used to be. I went through all my notes I had made while inside about inside. My diary so to speak. Now though I ask you my reader to tell me what you want to know or hear about my time. I'd like to get a feel as to what you'd like to hear or are interested in. Visit me on my facebook page or my Twiiter page!/PhilipSmith1117

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Philip Smith |

Philip Smith |

Short Nothings.

"I miss my Home"

Only if I knew where she was, is it an actually place or the feeling of belonging. The 


zone when laying your head down for a nights sleep? Is it overrated or underrated? Does 


even vote on such things? Is it a place or is it a person that makes home, home. I miss her 


much. I want her back. They say "home is where the heart is" well my heart is empty so I 

guess I need to go buy some furniture.

Monday, January 23, 2012

We can be Hero's.

I think all along the way in the highway of life we want, we need, we desire to become someone's hero. Someone's knight in shinning armor. Sadly most of the time we tumble for what ever reason and only turn out to be something less then a hero. In prison it was so easy. By saying that I mean you knew what to expect. Violence begot violence. Niceness was taken as a sign of weakness or you wanted something. The highway had no on ramps nor exits, no caution signs. What was strange was while I waited for my release in those last few months I become an outsider. Fellow inmates didn't talk to me the same, I didn't count anymore. I wasn't one of them. I was a traitor, a sell out. I was told by some of the "old schools" that, that would happen. For the most part my fellow inmates were happy for me (on the outside), but hated me on the inside. Then the guilt started to set in that I was leaving them behind. For the most part those I left behind deserved to be left behind. I still think of my brothers almost daily. I still think of the over 3600 days and nights I spent inside. The violence, the ugliness, the racism, the sexual assaults, and then at times the friendship of another who has nothing to live for. Knowing they will never see the light of day, yet wished me well. All I wanted was to be a hero to someone. One day I hope to find him and I miss him.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Memories of a Childhood

  • The Rat scurried through the back alleys of Old Montreal ever so vigilant of his surrounds. He knew the area well. His rivals could not be seen tonight, but the rat knew all to well they were there. Movement to his left caught his eye and he paused, searching for the cause. Friend or foe? ally or enemy? He waited listening for any signs of an attack. "Well well my friend it is you" the rat thought to himself. The Pick had finally made his appearance tonight. he had heard much of this one, but why was he so easy to detect? Setup? accident? sloppy? Music escaped from the neighborhood bar. Smells of cooking made him hungry.

Change of pace today. A taste of one of my stories.

"No Ordinary Legend"
Upstate New York
C‎lear Cut Lumber Camp 17                                                                  
April 1912

"Come on Gamache, us new guys have never heard the story".  a young logger said

Roland Gamache was a fifty two year old French Canadian lumberjack who had worked for the Clear family lumber or mining business for over thirty five years.

"It was close to where we are right now about two miles up there , between the Devil's Mistresses". Gamache said pointing north towards the twin peaks the miners and loggers refered to by that name. Gamache paused more for effect than to refill his tin coffee cup. Sipping he continued.

"Close to two years ago along the Devil's Tongue four loggers, Clear Cut men they were".

" Devil's Tongue why they call it that". a logger interupted.

Gamache pointed to the river running a mere twenty feet away. "See how the river runs between the mountians. He licks between his Mistresses the devil he does. Now you want to hear the story or ask questions". Gamache asked.

"The devil he plays in this area, this is his playground and he played with those men that night". he took a sip of coffee peering over the cup he knew he had there attention now.

He continued "The loggers had been up at camp 20 for about a week, supplies would arrive on the tenth day". he said as he spat into the fire.

Friday, January 20, 2012

For Pam

Tonight I think of lost opportunities, of lost loves, of lost chances and hopes. Yes but does that matter? I mean the past or does the present mean the most. I have new friends (and you know who you are) who seem to care or like me more than those who are supposed to. Oh but there in lies the lies. Do they have too or should I even expect that. Naw forget about it. I thank all you comments on my blog as well as facebook. Without you I would be a silent entity (I still am I guess) But to make someone laugh is my goal tonight so I'll try to be humorous. No not the frigging bone but funny. Lets see, my life has fallen apart, I lost my wife and family. But to laugh is the ultimate conquest in my quest. Wow that was a mouthful. My dad used to say "lead, follow. or ge the hell out of my way" So I'll close with that. Not really funny but a thought that means so much if taken the right way. Thanks for giving me a couple of minutes in your life.
Well  it seemed someone close to me has had a possible change of heart and said something which I'll take as positive about my Blog, my story, my admittance to my time behind bars. If this person only knew how much that meant. I thank this person on this public forum. No names will be mentioned and never will be because I've caused to much pain already. This person knows who they are and hopefully will visit this blog. Again thank you to the one who gave me hope again with a few kind words. My struggle continues today as it has for many years. I seek no pity or sympathy. I only ask that you the reader understands me and what I went through and still going through today. There's an old hockey saying "Time to lace up." yes my life is about to lace up again. Please come along for the ride. We may both learn so much.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Yesterday was a strange day. I had people close to me questioning my admitting being in prison on an open forum and complete strangers liking my honesty. To be honest I welcome all comments good and bad. That tells me people are looking, are reading. Right now I'd like to say to all that none of what I blog is not meant to embarrass  anyone. If anything it only reflects my weakness in life and my willingness to conquer my past, my fears. I will not apologize for this blog and it will never publish any names but mine. To those who disagree with my public admittance of my time behind bars please understand I need to do so so I can find myself through my  Very Random Thoughts.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Is it normal to fear a relationship even with yourself. To like yourself again. To forgive yourself. You know when I was released from prison a few months back someone close to me told me to forgive myself first to get on with my life. Why is it I can't. Again I know my disease, my problem is within. I'm hoping opening up on this Blog will help me like myself. In the mean time I will write with a fury if not for you my reader than for my selfish needs. Again please comment on any and all of my posts. You are the fuel that will feed my fire.
Time to be a Man (again)

August 28, 2001. My life changed or at least started the decline of my sanity. That's when I started my 10 year sentence. I finished it August 26, 2011. I was released on a Friday because Texas is passionate and doesn't release inmates on the weekend. So I was freed "a little early". In those 10 years I accumulated page upon page, notebook upon notebook of my stay behind bars. A diary of sorts, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my fantasies. Words from a dying, desperate man who missed so much of his old life. Please allow me to enter your life with what happened in mine. I hope my words can help someone understand what they are going through. I am no  expert and don't profess to being one. I'm just someone who lost love and fell apart and made a very bad choice that affected so many of those I was supposed to love. Please visit my blog as often as you can and keep up with my struggles to re-enter your world, my old world. Soon my goal is to publish a book on my time behind bars and my views on things. On my thoughts on the victim(s) and the silent victim, those we inmates leave behind. Our families, friends, love ones. The true victims the innocent victims, the silent ones. Those who lived and still live in shame because a parent decided to cope with life the easy way through crime. I can and never will be able to say sorry enough to those I love. In saying that my struggle continues today. Please comment on any of my blog. I need to know if any of this makes sense to you my readers. Take Care.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

For those of you who don't know I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you I was just recently released from a Maximum Security Prison in the state of Texas. I spent 10 years of my life for a crime I did commit. I'm in the minority as far as inmates are concerned. I admit my guilt. In doing so I also acknowledge the pain I put my love ones through. Meaning no Daddy, no brother, In order to get my life back on track I must forgive myself and in there lies my biggest problem. I have yet to accomplish that. I'm my own worse enemy, and I know it. This blog has been set up for a few reasons, mostly greedy reasons. One is promote (or pimp) myself and my writings and two is therapeutic for my own self. For me to succeed I must empty my soul and heart, my emotions and thoughts, my loves and hates. I hope you follow my rantings and I please ask you to comment on any of it (including my spelling and grammar mistakes) Along the way i'm also getting to know myself and what's scary is there are things I don't like, but can improve. Thank you for entering my life as I entry yours.
Just woke up after another amazing dream, but for me amazing might not be amazing for you. No it didn't or doesn't have to involve any type of sexual behavior (although those aren't bad either), no this one involved "The old days, growing up in Canada." Of my conquests on ice, of my children still at the age of growing up, of needing a daddy. Although our children constantly grow up don't they. Always needing a Daddy or Mommy in one way or another. Well I must consume some wake up elixir and get to what I was placed here for. Talk to you all later.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Today I created my own personal blog and it didn't hurt or require medication. I've been out of touch for quite a few years and technology has changed somewhat. Before my "exile" there was no Facebook nor Blogs. No Myspace's or YouTube or MineTube for that matter. During my time away from humanity I discovered or re-discovered my love for writing. My want to express myself through stories I've discovered within. For now while my brain churns i'll hopefully gather a following right here on my Blog. Wow I have a blog now. Does that make me hip? Or is hip even used today. Please allow me to enter your lives with my Random Thoughts of who knows what. A last thought before I retire tonight. Think if right now at this moment have you really found what your looking for?